When Grizzlies Attack

"Us dysfunctional relationship people should be handed a book of pictures of what is normal and healthy for the rest of the world."

Well... I can't say these past few months haven't been interesting.  I still can't sort out all the feelings and emotions I'm feeling from this experience, and I'm afraid what I have already felt, isn't the last of it.  Self-loathing, self-doubt, depression, anger, disgust, weakness... all these and more are running through me and I can't seem to sort them out.  I used to think I was a very rational person... but I can't sort out what my mind is saying is the right thing to do, and what my feelings... my heart... is feeling/telling me to do.  There wasn't any cheating involved... no big breakup... nothing that would normally warrant such a strong emotional reaction on my part; but, I can't help but feel that I was completely played... and continued to be played - even though I knew better.  I certainly won't deny that I wasn't complacent in what followed that first week; but still... I should have known better.

Ever since that first weekend in August, I've been on the longest and most emotionally draining roller coaster... and what makes it the hardest is I've never had to, nor know how to, deal with this type of situation before.  It made it so difficult and stressful, and I still don't quite know what to do now.  I really felt, and still feel, as though I got my heart broken... and I know that sound corny and ridiculous.  I believe the way you feel about each person you become romantically involved with is unique and you can't compare one to another; but, you can certainly tell when one of them hurts you.  I am trying to be realistic and practical about the entire situation - take it for what it is, and move on from there - the last thing I ever wanted was to be dramatic, but drama creeped in and I feel like it shouldn't have gone down like this.  But as a mentor of mine always says: it is what it is.

Now just need to figure out where to go from here.  I don't understand how some people cut others out of their life... I feel like that's a cop out... the easiest thing way out... but how can that be right?  Just because someone hurts you, you're supposed to pretend they don't exist?  Write them off? Avoid them?  Why don't more people want to work it out?  Losing a relationship, romantic or friend, feels so... unacceptable.  Maybe time does heal all wounds... maybe I'm still being overly melodramatic.  Where's the fast forward button to move past all this?  To get to the chapter where we're friends and having great conversation over coffee again?  Am I that wrong for wanting to remain friends... to salvage it?  Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment... but I believe there is good in everyone... I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, even when most would say they don't deserve it.

What's next, I wonder.  Here's hoping... everything happens for a reason, right?