One Year and Counting…

Fair Warning: Haphazard Entry. Total disconnects of thought ahead.

It’s been over a year (October 8th, 2006) since I came out to my mom during a night out at dinner. That moment was one of the hardest times of my life; but, it was also the most freeing. My mom and I still have a strong relationship and from that point, I resolved to better myself. To focus on me, my self; mind, body, and spirit. I’ve come a long way - but not far enough. I find myself doing the same things I committed to stopping.

I’ve started working on my body at the gym and seeing real progress; but this past week (two really) I’ve been slacking. Not all with excuses, but other things getting in the way - recently work. I need that ‘kick-in-the-pants’ to get back in the routine and I’m hoping tomorrow will bring that. Thankfully, I haven’t slacked off with the Yoga. I’m still going strong with once, sometimes twice, a week. I’m hoping to learn enough so that I can do it at home anytime.

After getting back from LA though, I find myself circling back to constant thoughts of anxiety about what other people are thinking about me, and how they see me. Namely, guys I like but can’t get the balls to say so for fear of rejection. I worry myself with over-analyzing actions, events, and happenings which I shouldn’t even be noticing because more than likely (ok, more like most definitely) don’t mean anything… but I give them meaning… and then worry over them.  To bring it into perspective, I like a guy - but having him would require me to declare how I feel about him and I’m afraid that doing so might jeopardize our friendship in the event that he doesn’t return those feelings.

In any case - this is exactly what I shouldn’t be doing.  I should be focusing on ME.  Not boys.  I resolved that when I moved, I would take hold of the fresh start life was giving me and learn from the lessons I painfully acquired back east.  I’m getting better… just not sure how to keep getting better.