“Are you a Big Spoon or Little Spoon?”

What happened to that feeling of excitement you get when you’re with that someone and everything seems perfect? That heart-pounding excitement, like when you’re watchin’ The Price Is Right. Watching that show you just get so excited and your heart beats as they get close to winning that $10,000; you’re jumping up and down: “no! not the beans! pick the fabric softener!” You get so wrapped up in that excitement, in the game, that you don’t even realize you’re not the one who will be getting that $10,000 check ($7,500 after taxes get ripped from you). But you don’t care. For some reason, it doesn’t matter that you’re not the one playing Plinko, the Range Game, or even that you’re not the one to make it to the Showcase Showdown. All that matters is the excitement of it all. I think I remember that feeling… where you realize that you’ve met someone wonderful unexpectedly. I’ve felt that three times that I can recall. The first time when I met my first (and sole to date) boyfriend; those first few days alone felt so comforting and fresh. Something new that I just stepped into and was loving it. The second time was when I met Jason. Initially I wasn’t sure if who I just met would turn out to be someone I’d travel half way across the world for, but after 6 months of missing him, I did just that. When I met him and I was the “little spoon,” I felt as though it didn’t get any better. I felt warm and safe in his arms and I certainly still miss it a year later. I recently met someone who gave me that feeling again. It was quite unexpected, short-lived as he won’t be staying in the area for much longer. I’m not feeling as down though afterwards. After a few broken hearts, mostly mine, I’ve learned how to shield myself from getting hurt so quickly. There’s no anger, no depression, no sadness… well, sadness, but that’s because I met a great guy and won’t get to spend time with him to get to know him. We’ll stay in touch though, through e-mail and chatting. I’m glad overall that I met him. :)

That feeling of excitement was revisited shortly today when I met Jason for lunch. He’s in the States for part of his vacation and he made some time to stop by my work and we went across the street to get something to eat. I took an extended lunch today and we chatted about what’s been goin’ on, what we’ve been up to since I visited and such. He’d just come from visiting his former roommate who is now stationed in Japan. Showed me some great pictures, hopefully he’ll upload them so I can get a better look at them than the 2″x1″ view on his camera. Told me what he’s done since he’s been here and how he’s gettin’ back home and such. It was really nice to see him again. I certainly didn’t expect him to have, or make, the time for me after my visit earlier this year; but he did, which put a part of me at ease. Mainly the part of me that kept dwelling on what he thought of me after that night, after that trip. I’ve found I worry too much… I worry too much about what people think of me. I always have, and I’m sure it won’t be for quite some time that I won’t; but I’ve started to learn to not care so much. I’ve started to just say “fuck ‘em” and be me. Started to… it’s a process. I don’t know, though, when I’ll get over him… or if I ever will. There certainly is the possiblity that I will never be able to fully stop missing him; and to be completely honest, I don’t think I will. There will always be that part of me that misses him, his touch, his voice. Seeing him today brought back a lot of those feelings that I had pushed away. I noticed myself not dwelling on Italy as much as I used to, which I don’t think I’ll start up again. He leaves tomorrow afternoon for Italy again. I said goodbye this time without feeling as though it was as cold and emotionalized as the last time. It didn’t feel final at all, but more like ‘until next time.’

Over the past few months I have learned one major lesson though: Only when you think you’ve stopped playing the game, have you actually just begun.

“Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.”
-F. M. Hubbard

“At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.”
-Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.