Ma Petite

Why is it that some people never learn from their mistakes? Or at least refine themselves to try not to make them again? I think I am one of those people. I seem to be walking right back into a situation which I know isn’t the best. Sometimes I feel that people are just using me to make themselves feel more comfortable; or to just please me for the moment. Other times I think that I may genuinely be liked by that person but it turns out that I “read” them wrong. I’ve pushed people away because I become so eager to please that I begin to obsess, if you will, to an acute degree; which, in turn, turns them off to me. Every now and then I’ll become involved with someone who is either too far, or will become too far, for things to continue beyond the initial infatuation. I am still longing for someone, for something, which is halfway across the globe and there is nothing I can do except cry myself to sleep thinking about him. I am unsure if I should wait for him to return, if he’ll return. Unsure of how to digest my feelings towards him and progress from day to day. Do I continue to let these feelings fester and continue to break away at my will to be with anyone else? Or should I just give up and move on? How can you move on from something which seems to be in your grasp but the only thing holding you back is time? If you wait, you can have it.

At least you hope that is the situation. There is another possibility of loosing that person; not only to a bomb, but to a shift in personality, likes, dislikes, attitude. He may come back and not care for the same things, or the same people anymore; or even worse, developed a liking for something else, someone else. Everyday I wake up thinking of one person whom I’m missing dearly and long for the day in which I will see his smile again; and the other is someone I think about as I go to bed, someone who I long to meet for the first time. Each have made me feel as though I am worth something to them; and that is the one feeling I’ve been missing. To be held and know the other person is holding you because they like you is a great feeling. It’s very rare.

It amazes me, though, how someone who is so far could be so kind and caring to send flowers to a person they barely know. Something so beautiful, sent from someone so beautiful, sent to someone they claim to be beautiful. Now that’s a lot of beautiful. There are people in this world who are given so much shit to bear and yet they deserve none of it. <side note: people need to learn the uses of punctuation, put a damn question mark after a question and a period if you use multiple sentences in one damn IM for God’s sake!> I am not speaking for myself, because I am sure there are things that I’ve done which deserve a good heap of manure to be dumped on my life; but there is one person whom I’ve felt as if I could bear their weight for them for one day, it would be just enough for them to breakaway from it all, or at least catch their breath. I know I would like to sometimes.